I AM A CHRISTIAN – tailored to become of the Christ, to be like the Christ, to be with the Christ – whose thoughts and deeds are not owned; for it is not I that lives but Christ who liveth in me. Sometimes I ponder on what was as if it is and what would be as if it is but to be clear, I ponder on execution and the right for execution. In a tot: I sometimes question salvation; its utility; and its trueness to an unworthy soul as myself.

I read of the truth in the Holy Bible, in the Al Quran, sometimes in what people consider as the dreaded literatures like the words of the Qabalists or even the new order awakened and when I do, I question if worth is what it is or what it would become. I begin my sojourn with disobedience at the first glimpse of light in the Holy Bible’s Genesis and question if it was my fate to be destroyed from inception; for God dwelt among Adam and Eve when they dared their fates and the utterance of their Maker.

To be honest, I also wonder what being He is who leads the meek servant Moses – though he was tempted and did disobey before a rock – through the wiles of Egypt, the wilderness and thought it not robbery to deny his servant’s foot the soil of ultimate joy of Canaan’s shore. What being is He to let his chosen nation deviate a thousand times to crafts of men; to be defeated and to win; to be plagued before overcoming; to be silent and to rejoice. My thought is that He is just and balanced for it is to His delight that a just weight and not a false balance exist.

At times my thoughts are blasphemous – but is it not natural – when I try to capture the image of the one who lives out of the confines of times and space. My burden is to question his stand when Job wrestled with the hard fist of the foregone bearer of light; or when Jacob was chosen over Esau – Isaac over Ishmael; or Solomon over David to build the Temple; even Ruth to bear the line of an eternal miracle – the Messiah. I think my thought-sojourn not at its end at this point.

My dilemma only begins in earnest at Jesus’ choice of entry; his choice of redemption; of miracles; his choice of words – riddles and revelations; his choice of successors and even God’s allowance for Him to be tempted. I think of paradoxes with Judas’ fall and when juxtaposed with Peter’s fall, even his (Peter’s) ascension, I humanly faint and question even more. For I know true prerogative to exist is His – Him who made the heavens and the earth and called them good. My fear is where do I stand, at thought-point, where shall I stand?

The greatest of my perplexities is the eternal sacrifice unto salvation: the road was filled with skulls; of thorns and blood; of crying and hesitation yet it was fulfilled before my conception. My second intimation – the first was the beginning of my sojourn – with self-denial is with my inadequacy to match up with the love found in a sacrifice that does not require the altar of stones and the weeping of lamb blood. I call myself unworthy, an ingrate; when I consider all I have done, all I do and all I will do for sin has been enthroned in the place where I should decide. I am weak; too weak to be of an inheritance unto light. This I think unjustly of myself.

The next realisation is expected, a turn of events and of thoughts you may say: that I am of Christ, who is a saviour, a brother and friend; that I have been sold to the freedom which is in the truth and it is not I that liveth but Christ in me. This does not say that my sins are Christ’s for I bear them as a cross was born only that I have power in Him over them and to the earth, dominion. There is joy at this premise but something remains.

For if the Christ confesses that He can of Himself do nothing that as He hears of the father; He judges and witnesses – not of himself – but of truth; then I am committed. Of Christ is obedience to the spoken word of YHWH; I am of the Christ therefore I shall be obedient unto the same. Then shall I ascend into what would be and who would be. Then I shall perceive aright.

The end of my sojourn is closer which was – in truth – the beginning. I am at the mercy of Him who is faithful and kind; most benevolent and ever-merciful. For if I live as though He guides and think as he thinks then I shall be forgiven. For in Him is light and light is a conqueror of all iniquity which threads unto eternal bliss. This is the eternal stand; then shall I know what is good and evil and choose good; life and death and choose life; darkness and light and choose light which comprehends more than the former. I am anew even unto the past. For as I remain in His Will, only then shall I be forgiven and His marvellous being made manifest.




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