I am resting my head on my pillow, crossing my legs and my hands are clenched; seeking comfort from the sight of the white ceiling. Its looking directly at me, this isn’t comforting but I am starting to remember everything. Remembering my shivering hands while I typed what I wasn’t man enough to say – that I had a crush on you.
I did not know what to expect from you yet I was disappointed your reply was ‘wow’. It would have been so fast, but I expected you to have told me you felt the same way about me and that you wanted to be my girlfriend. I tried to console myself, with fantasies of you feeling the same way but too whelmed to express yourself.
I remember that night we sat together at that show; how I tried to clasp my hands to yours and how I tried to make sure there was no space left between us. You seemed even more distant when my left arm choked your right arm of any space. Then, I remember when you told me you had a boyfriend – Yinka; the confusion in my eyes; how I betrayed myself by falling in love with a ‘taken’ girl and was about to betray a friend because I would not stop till I had you.
Then, I remember trying to walk you to your hall (that’s a lie); you walked me to mine. When I was about to leave you, I wanted to hug you, I wanted to kill space completely, to wrap my hands around you in a way that it almost made me feel horny happy (what’s the difference anyway). But I didn’t, and now I regret every moment afterwards; this emptiness I feel could have been filled by your close touch our close touch.
I think I am beginning to suffer from my evil past; the past has drawn a battle line and has drawn out its sword in preparation for battle. This feels like banter. I do not feel whole anymore, like I have been cut out and what remains is the emptiness and outline of my love for you.