You are afraid.
You fret because the Salvation looks too clean for swine, too perfect for flawed beings, too immerse for the simple mind, too holy for the one who draws meaning from unholiness. You are fretful that this change would not last, that the redemption cannot be redeemed, that for every motion to rise above the filth, there is a depth of death that calls you back with the face of pleasure. You fret because one day – amidst this healing – you would run back to the very torture that hurts you more than it pleases you.
For there are some times, the hurt is pleasing, the pain is your joy. You are the complex fence which must be broken to be built. You are the very enemy you fight and you find it impossible to defeat yourself because you need to win in all this battles of breath.
You are fretful because you feel undeserving, that you would be triggered to fight your well-being, that you chase away the forecast of hope, the prophesy that you would be better. What is worst is that you always promise yourself that you would get better, you paste your deliverance into the future and all you do is wait. The future does not come, when it does, it is the present and never the future. You think of faith as only the future and then you are afraid because it never seems to come… It (the future) has no evidence and it looks like the last solution if not the only one. You are fretful that what you believe is all you have but you murder belief before you can be set free, every time.
You are anxious.
You run away from what saves you, you turn away from what waves at you with love and good intention, you moan at what starves you. You are the problem or you think you are so what comes next is, “if I can’t fix me, let me end me” as though saying the world needs less of me to survive…
You are naked
Weak, prominently broken and unclad. An empty hungered desire left uncovered. You are broken, used and choking in your own words of repentance.
As GOD’sBondMan: it is because you are broken; it is because you are empty; it is because you are on the brisk of ending; it is because the height of humanity, alone, has come short of itself; it is because you are naked, betrayed and have been deceived; it is because you are thirsty and lost, it is because you need to be saved that there is salvation.
The first step to walking back through the door is to realise that you aren’t where you should be: the one who is in need of fixing must come clean to the fact that they are in need of fixing. Divinity would not impose the panacea upon the one who is ever-more unwilling to share and be sheared off the filth.
To live, you must now, accept to leave death alone.