Well, Cephas, this fear is not rare.
The fear of inadequacy which is projected to the feeling of unworthiness and the assurance that you are not enough or adequate or ideal or appropriate. Correct me – if I’m wrong – but it progresses…to the point where you are so uncertain of your position because the errors of the past and the good tidings, which do not last, that you conclude in will and deed that you are not ready to move on, to grow or to forge on, to set forth on the journey that would leave you stronger and moulded and rightly placed for the work of your ordination.
This fear of progress is self-induced and orchestrated. You do not want to go further because you are not sure of what you shall encounter. You do not want to open up your GOD because you are fretful at what you would uncover and that you are already aware of the judgement, the sentencing, the punishment.
You remind yourself of Job and all he had to go through to prove himself to GOD, to the enemy and to rid himself of the self-righteous-exaltation. You want to go at your pace: slowly and ignoring the jeering, “this is just a race, it is not for being fast or for coming in last it is for me…” that’s what you say.
You are afraid of the evaluation of others and how unwholesome it has become for them to make GOD’s blessings look like the reward of a competition: the loudest “hallelujah”s, the strongest “amen”s, the first person to sow a seed and the best person to come out in surrender. You are agitated for those moments when you are not fast enough or prepared to surrender.
You are afraid because you would get better and uncannily, you do not want that. Why?
Because the light burns your eyes, the sun boils your skin, the beach leaves you naked, the truth exposes you, the root upholds you from running out of the limelight.
You understand good to be evil because it is evil-spoken of.
Well, you are right on one issue among many, actually, GOD is not a result of competition. It is not about who got there first or who came looking their best on the outside.
By now, you should be aware that GOD doesn’t judge form from the outward but inside.
GOD doesn’t judge based on who is more appealing or more qualified or worthy, GOD judges the intentions. However, the fear of growth does come from a compilation of experiences. PLEASE, rid yourself of the potency when they come as re-occuring thoughts.
You were not created to fail, GOD did not create you only to bail, you are the head and not the tail, You are GOD’s amazing tale, you are beautiful and not pale, if you let go of the insecurities, you set free the limitation and prepare to sail. GOD made you strong for all weathers of life: sunshine, rain or hail and be assured that the sacrifice that purchased your second chance to be as GOD has willed was a Portrait of flesh clipped to wood by nail(s).
In the process of becoming, do not hold back, do not consider lack, let every breath, taken and given, be a mark upon human existence, and surrender to have your understanding enlightened for it is only a darkened understanding that compromises the judgement of good and evil.
Do not be afraid to be better, BETA, and greater.
Do not be afraid of failure, it is the process of strengthening. Lastly Cephas, those who have undergone forty days of devotion must be ready for temptations yet in all these, as GOD’sBondMan, lay up your weakness for the trading of strength. If you must run away, run to GOD and and get back stronger.
The fear of growth because of uncertainties is not rare, it is not mere but it is by GOD’s Grace and Mercy that you bear it and not end up bare…embrace the process of progress, one moment at a time.