Bond 207: To Amaka

Amaka,

If it makes sense (saying it out without looking into a mirror), I am clueless, everyday.

It’s the most difficult thing trying to explain how I do anything I do except to affirm that it’s by GOD’s Grace that I do them. Even, it’s wise to say that I don’t do them but CHRIST does them through me. I am GOD’sBondMan, I am not in control of myself. I am CONFLICT, I have come to accept that as the perfect way to have control.

How I know there’s GOD? Because I’ve seen what I don’t know been given to me for me to know. I’ve seen the invisible hand, writing the words. My ghost writer is the HOLY GHOST whose voice directs me on how to say what I have been given to say.

This is how I know what to say when I say it; this is how I know how to say it when I say it; this is how I’m directed to say it to whom I say it; this is how I know when to say it when I say it; this is how I know why I say it so I say it; this is how I know where to say all I say. Is this called slavery? To be dictated-to by GOD, well, then, let it be…but I know that I am under no compulsion to obey and that it is the worth of obedience: to obey when you are not mandated to.

This journey – half-way complete – has made me a warrior; galloping from one battle to another: winning some, losing others; dying, living, believing, believing, believing. I have battled to be less to have more of JESUS. That’s the goal, you know. But let’s be honest, it’s not always a welcomed idea. Which is why I am humanly discouraged by silence. The world keeps quiet a lot – whether because they are spectators or simply not even looking. It could be discouraging especially when I forget that I’m not doing this for anyone in particular except for GOD, first; then my humanity, best.

But in the end, GOD is faithful, I get random encouragements (I treasure them a lot): messages from unexpected sources, kind words urging me to keep running because…hey…it’s a marathon not a Sprint.

I need endurance and steady motion not speed.

In my case, sometimes, Nicodemus doesn’t come, by night; sometimes he comes. It’s okay. Sometimes, Peter doesn’t leave his net but it’s okay. Sometimes I fail in the sight of men because we all have our expectations but if they are not in sync with GOD’s, then it’s failure. How? Easy. Tsk. JESUS on the cross was visible failure; Paul beheaded was visible conquest over Christianity; a dying missionary; a plagued temple; a distressed heart; a depressed prophet are all parts of the mural. Our faiths when united are stained glass mirrors, beautiful because they are stained and broken from war.

In the end, we are stronger only when together…with GOD.

AMAKA, you know this one: I’ve lost friends; I have gained enemies; I have received instruction from the HOLY SPIRIT to be separated from people I would humanly want to cleave to. Weird? But true. I’m best misunderstood. Simplicity can’t represent the full portrait. I have seen what cannot be said and I have said a lot about who cannot be seen until HE makes HIMSELF seen.

Does GOD choose who would be saved?

Yes. HE chooses those who should be saved which is why HE chose us all. Us living is a letter, “I love you, I choose you” do we choose GOD?…that’s where the battle is…the unseen doubt…how peaceless it is to be a confessor of JESUS but inwardly living in the Shambles of disbelief in JESUS. The worst kind of death is seen to be alive but death from inside.

Permit me to digress: sadly, but true, I think some of us are Christians by peer-pressure…parent pressure; Pastor measure…church leisure…you get?

Sometimes we are soldiers holding guns we can’t pull triggers of… that’s why we die…and then we turn to the KING (of Kings) and say, “why didn’t you protect us…tsk”? hahaha. Unpleasant humour? Sorry.

Anyway, I encourage myself.

I echo what the HOLY SPIRIT says to me; sometimes, GOD says nothing to see if I really want to hear HIM say something. If GOD says anything, it means everything to me…if GOD says, “hi” first…my day is made…if I say, “hi” first, HIS smile is broader…the sun bathes me in its rage to let me know that heaven grins in a blush…sunset is the blush…anyway… that’s private talk…I should call you to describe it.

Ehen, before I forget: the other day, someone asked me if I really knew what love was and how if I was going to answer, I shouldn’t use the words: “God” “Jesus”, and “crucifixion”. I was silent…Car, I don’t know again, abeg…that’s all I know. I don’t think you can love someone and hate what they stand for and stand with…if what they stand for is right and you can’t – and don’t want to – understand their desire to prove show it to the world the best way heaven empowers them, you don’t love them; you love the thought of them being who they could be…am I angry? No. Should I be? Yes. But I’m numb to that inefficiency…

I’m hoping GOD rewards me and strengthens me in my weakness…but I want to see heaven…like Guy! I want to see what I’ve imagined…I want to know who got it better…GOD or me…that, too, is private talk…

If I don’t buy you your car….😎😂🏖️

Ọlátúndé

P.S
Have you noticed that your name rhymes with Rebecca?

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