Sir, I feel More Undeserving

Sir, I am daily more undeserving…I…at least…I feel that way, I live so, too. No…it is not my misled way of looking down on salvation. On the contrary…I presume it is because I take the gospel and it’s saving so highly that my flesh suffers its due reproach. Yes…I think all men and women are primarily capable of rotting – self destruction – and rotten deeds (if) given the best potion of freedom to rot and no…I don’t believe morality is as innate as the evil proposed so freely in our hearts. GOD’s nature in us? Sir, who are we kidding claiming to have something but denying its existence all at the same time? Pff that’s not to say it is of no effect but holding a turned-off lamp doesn’t give you any light more admirable than perfect darkness. Sometimes our lives are show glass pieces of deceit scattered for effect. Our…you know what? I’ll speak for myself. Okay? Fine! I grow lean in faith sometimes, I feel as empty as I feel sober; clutching on to reality as the fish to water on the beach. My heart is sinking, my soul is bleeding, my eyes are teary and this is not some work of sorrow unto repentance. Sometimes, I feel I have given up hope to be better. Why? Well the moment I say I would not do this thing, the next moment I am tempted with shunning my own resolution and I find myself back in the recycled path which only ends at me repeating the self-destroying error. What about my conscience? It…tsk…I reckon it has been seared so much so that it grows quiet once I bank toward the winds of lust. I could tell you my sense of morality is always an aftermath stronger – only active after what it should have protected me from doing is done. My good judgement? Well that one is often a minute late, at best. Sir, I read the Bible, I pray…at least when I remember to…truth is…I’ll be honest, it pays to see GOD once in a while at the very least to keep in memory why I do all that I do. Sometimes, faith-people we forget for a moment because the visible evidences come so freely and the invisible attributes are as illusive as the five year old playing hide and seek with Daddy in the backyard – sometimes the old man simply waits till she starts counting then gallops off to his room (upstairs) to have a cup of coffee while glaring at the newspaper headlines…of course not I’m saying GOD sips coffee. Do I feel GOD is hiding? That’s my point! He is not. I’m the one playing this game! I’m not yelling. Sorry…I’m just getting closure. I feel I’m not seeing, not looking enough. Perhaps from fear. What am I saying? It’s always from fear. Going back and forth with GOD is because of fear. The fears? Well let’s see…there’s…errr…the fear of what I’ll see when I find it, fear of how unworthy I’ll be at the end of this quest, fear of what would be rightly done to me for all these secret voyages away from GOD’s presence, fear of being better, fear of growing to be who I need to be.. fear of…fear off…fear offered for offered fear. Half the time I feel like just a vessel, the billboard stating what it was made to say, half the time, I’m not so sure…usually I clutch to the Holy Spirit. Hehe clutching to spirit… Do I doubt that all evil can be subdued? Not at all – I believe all good can subdue and conquer. Sir? Right. I know you get tired at these ramblings but I think to say them openly is necessary, a public confession of sins, perhaps shames the devil more than uttering a self-absorbing insight. Much to my latest disgust, I’m in need of more confession and cleansing of heart than ever before. In fact, a new heart, if possible. The old one beats to a very strange music. Sir? Yes. I know. I have one last thing to say, if you’ll let me. Thank you. I think that to be saved, one must need to want to be saved. Its a dilemma that until one knows one should be saved, one doesn’t want to and until one is shown or told, one doesn’t know. Is there a chance you could start afresh with me; perchance forget by forgiving me one inadequacy at a time? Always? Forever? Great…just great. I’ll buy a new mirror in expectance of a new countenance. No sin goes unpunished? No forgiveness goes unforgotten, either. Thank you. I’ll decorate my scars with anecdotes and annotations of why they remain there…to remind me of why I shouldn’t (even) when I think I should. Oh yes, sir. Beginnings are the true reward of humanity – the ability to start again knowing what you now know that which you didn’t know prior to your erroneous desertion of truth…for that I’m not sure… perhaps I’ll try again. Indeed, I’m in need of more saving than I thought…sir?

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