The goodness and kind measures of GOD are seen in HIS decision to grant you mercy for your messy life and that hurts you even more; salvation cracks your conscience with the mutual undeserving defect. You know if you were GOD, you would not let you live but somehow you live and that haunts you: in apprehension waiting to see if this time, GOD would refuse to accept your refuse for a body – as sacrifice – and embody the devastation of judgement upon that very persistence flaw.