A Bond on “Not being enough” because you haven’t had enough of “not being enough”.
You know what it is. The treacherous demon lurking in your veins, the hope and rejection served in one feast; the desire and introspection tormenting you in piece(s). If anyone asks you to define hell, you need not look any further than your pitiful indecisive wit. Your brain is wired, your soul caving in; if you had any spirit left, it keeps you drunk in the quest(ion). That which hurts you so deeply – beyond where the devil could possibly dig out – is that which you cannot confess: not to priest or to the world. That is YOU.
You die smiling; you live, crying; your hopes and dreams drown in this very uncanny deflective weakness. You know what is wrong and you know how to make it right but each time you want to make it right, it presents itself as right and you end up being wrong, again. You know GOD knows and what HE knows is so heart breaking, it breaks your heart with guilt to see that HE still loves you and gives you life even though your works are dead and deserving only of death.
The goodness and kind measures of GOD are seen in HIS decision to grant you mercy for your messy life and that hurts you even more; salvation cracks your conscience with the mutual undeserving defect. You know if you were GOD, you would not let you live but somehow you live and that haunts you: in apprehension waiting to see if this time, GOD would refuse to accept your refuse for a body – as sacrifice – and embody the devastation of judgement upon that very persistence flaw.
You know it’s just this one error that serves as gate to others. If you were not a defaulter of it, you would be back to your default settings of “Perfect unto GOD”. I see you…or maybe I don’t. The only joy of this act is the secrecy, the value is the illusive pleasure, the only reward is the independence that comes with your decision to do it whenever yet whenever you do whatever you do, you are left blank and empty. Emptiness is defined as a meagre version of hatred for self, a conflict between mind and body, a confluence of inadequacies and human atrocities. You know you can change but you also don’t know when. You also doubt if you can live without this flaw that has sewn itself deep into you as an error.
It is at the point that I say to you that it’s important to start again. To say, “no” to this vane practice; this whatever-it-is that causes you to reflect on salvation as nearly vane that courses through your vein as an enemy from within. Say to that thought and action, “I’ll see your face no more” and like Moses put a wedge between miracles and decision. In the event of being the course of your own curse, decide to cause the course, no more. It is now that GOD waits for your decision as HE did with Eve on the eve of all human fall; as HE did with JESUS in the garden of tears, Gethsemane. As HE did with Israel with every judge and prophet, punishment and captivity; as HE does with us in the violence HE replies with silence. Decide. GOD needs your Dominion to be in effect by your moment of decision. For it was when Jesus decided not to bow that the temptations were dissolved and when Moses congratulated his enemy by equally deciding that GOD ended the conversation of plagues unto liberation.
dear Inadequacy, thorn in my flesh, moment I hate to relish, memory I pray to forget, weakness, weight, anguish, self-prospered- torment, burden, Achilles’ heel, Trojan horse, avenger of evil, temptation, sin, secret inadequacy, mountain to be moved – on behalf of any and all who face, within, the grave introspection of being enemy, foe and fighter; of being their very demons which is why conquest is impossible, to those who struggle and smile, dying; who ogle and get lust, wanting; who fail and get dejected, trying – I (we) have decided to look upon you, no more.