So, I found out that it was a mere crush – a better sounding name for teenage
love infatuation. It wasn’t love at all. I remember being told that love never dies and it’s not jealous. I tried to relate the way I felt to the way my parents felt for each other. For a moment, I thought they expressed their love in ‘old school’. But old’s cool you know…
The way I felt around you – the fact that I always wanted your body to touch mine, I discovered was not love. I would come up with a suitable name for it but at least, I have discovered the name it isn’t.
So, now that you have broken your relationship with Yinka, I know you are expecting me to run into the comfort of your arms as I hoped you would seek comfort in mine. I write to tell you that all emotions for you are used up, now waste and discarded. I wouldn’t want to sound harsh or think you cared, but I want you to know that your plan B is not possible. It would never be.
I have decided to keep my hands clenched, mind open, heart locked till I find wedlock.
I wrote you earlier this afternoon about how happy I was that I was progressing in my attempt to get you for myself. But tonight, I was hit and crippled by incredulity, I was drowning in sadness. I couldn’t understand this feeling. I was stupid to be happy over the feel of a single hug, to think that you were drifting away from your boyfriend; that the hug was a sign – the fact that you pressed your chest against mine, the originality of it.
I saw both of you tonight; I saw the way you smiled at him…looked into his eyes and at them. I have never seen you behave that way around me. At first, I did not really notice that it was you; all I saw was a happy girl in love. But I cleared this image from my head immediately I found out it was you.
Your boyfriend Yinka called me to greet me; I felt he said my name with trust and respect that I believe(d) I’m a fool for trying to betray him. Then, you called my name in the usual way which triggers my love, clicks in my heart and makes my brain reload to shoot memories of you into my head again.
Should I kill my brain’s control over my action, allowing my heart to take control? I’ve always heard that love comes from the heart, and that is where pain is felt. I do not know where I feel this pain any more. Does it come from the eyes I can’t stop from pouring down tears or my heart which skipped a beat when I saw you and Yinka and now beats in millions? Does it come from my brain which cannot currently think of anything straight? What is this silence I now feel, is it loneliness or pain?
I am resting my head on my pillow, crossing my legs and my hands are clenched; seeking comfort from the sight of the white ceiling. Its looking directly at me, this isn’t comforting but I am starting to remember everything. Remembering my shivering hands while I typed what I wasn’t man enough to say – that I had a crush on you.
I did not know what to expect from you yet I was disappointed your reply was ‘wow’. It would have been so fast, but I expected you to have told me you felt the same way about me and that you wanted to be my girlfriend. I tried to console myself, with fantasies of you feeling the same way but too whelmed to express yourself.
I remember that night we sat together at that show; how I tried to clasp my hands to yours and how I tried to make sure there was no space left between us. You seemed even more distant when my left arm choked your right arm of any space. Then, I remember when you told me you had a boyfriend – Yinka; the confusion in my eyes; how I betrayed myself by falling in love with a ‘taken’ girl and was about to betray a friend because I would not stop till I had you.
Then, I remember trying to walk you to your hall (that’s a lie); you walked me to mine. When I was about to leave you, I wanted to hug you, I wanted to kill space completely, to wrap my hands around you in a way that it almost made me feel horny happy (what’s the difference anyway). But I didn’t, and now I regret every moment afterwards; this emptiness I feel could have been filled by your close touch our close touch.
I think I am beginning to suffer from my evil past; the past has drawn a battle line and has drawn out its sword in preparation for battle. This feels like banter. I do not feel whole anymore, like I have been cut out and what remains is the emptiness and outline of my love for you.